KIDS THESE DAYS

MIAMI -- A 6-year-old boy was subdued with a Taser while wielding a piece of glass and threatening to hurt himself in the principal's office, officials said Thursday.

The boy, who was not identified, was shocked by police with 50,000 volts of electric current on Oct. 20 at Kelsey Pharr Elementary School.

Some of you out there in the blogosphere - I shall call you pussies - may read the article referred to above and claim that the actions of the injured child did not warrant a discharge of streams of high voltage.

Well.

Let me tell you something.

During my illustrious six-year tenure at Lincoln Elementary (K-5), I got in serious trouble twice: once after pulling a kid into a pool of mud afer a particularly rainy day, and once after being involved in a large fight against the school "Poopstains" - a term forever reserved by 10 year olds to describe Mexicans - after a boy named Miguel pulled a switchblade on my friend Ryan. After both of these incidents, I was called into the principal's office and, bleary-eyed and remorseful, sat as he reassured me that he would pursue no disciplinary action. Unfortunately, he then informed me that my father had been notified of the various crimes committed. To this day, I remember distinctly the words, "I spoke with your father, and he requested that I allow him to discipline you himself."

Oh, how I had wished that Mr. Whaley was more corporally-minded, how I wished he had the smallest sliver of sadism in his soul. How I wished he had the gumption to do the just thing and take swift action, and how I prayed that he would slap my ass with his timber - so great was my fear of "Big Leroy" and his cricket bat of pain.

Needless to say, those days were unpleasant, and those nights all the more painful as The L-Train tanned my hide with switches, tire chains, and bungee chords. But the results don't lie, people - nay, the proof truly is in the pudding - and the next time the Poopstains tried provoking us with their illegal shivs, I did the brave and appropriate thing. I ran away. This not only insured the safety of my vital organs, it guaranteed protection of my small, supple rump. I had learned my lesson.

To wit - Physical Discipline: 1, Stern Talking To: 0.

To this day, I can't wait to have children so that I may "reprimand" them for childish and churlish behavior. To see the processees of learned behavior, to feel the satisfaction of living in a world - however falsely realized or imagined - governed by certain rules and following certain paths. For I know in my heart that when it comes to raising kids (a subject that I thankfully do not yet know a lot about), the establishment of clear and open communication are immeasurably important in the development of trust and confidence between parents and kids. Personally, I don't know of a better way to get your point across than swinging a 4-foot flattened wooden plank against the bare skin of a young child's backside.

In other words, I have a feeling that the kid in Florida with the attitude problem and a desire to injure himself will think twice before waving around a broken shard of glass and slicing open his own leg. He'll remember that coversation with those 50,000 volts, he'll remember the burnt nerves and bruised patches of skin, and he'll cut that monkey business out.